I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
