Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
