He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
