There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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