My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
