I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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