My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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