I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
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