There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
