i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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