I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
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I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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