I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
