The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
