If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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