Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
