R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
