I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
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