You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
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You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
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He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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