I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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