help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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