If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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