ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
