Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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