The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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