I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I am one with the molecules
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
