his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
