I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
he quoted the bible to break up with me
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
