After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
16 Sexual Experiences EVERYONE Should Have At Least Once
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.