onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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