At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
