I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
