If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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