I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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