Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
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