just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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