he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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