The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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