why didn't you poke me back
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
