Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Randomize
