so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Randomize
