Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
