You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
