as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
You need a sexual gate keeper
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
