Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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