Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
