I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
