did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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