I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
