I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
