I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
