I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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