Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
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