There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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