theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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