Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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