Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
