What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
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