I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
